Secrets Deep Inside
by Konekochu
Summary: Written for Severus Snape's Birthday. A story around Snape and his final days, about apologies and forgiveness.


A Snape's Birthday Month Fanfiction

Secrets Deep Inside

By Konekochu ~ Sandra Andrews

Severus was sitting by fire place in the headmaster living quarters at Hogwarts. It had nearly been a year since the battle at the Astronomy Tower and the death of Albus Dumbledore. It was the last day of April where tensions at Hogwarts and in the wizarding world were getting extremely tense. He could feel that the conclusion of the war may soon be approaching.

He sat there lost in his thoughts as the fire crackled and danced away. He was so tired, so very tired. It had been a very long and hard road for Severus all these years and he was now walking it alone. He had long given up on the idea of getting out alive. He long stopped caring if he lived or died come the conclusion of this war. Protecting Harry from the shadows has been his only reason to keep fighting for as long as he has. It wasn't easy being a traitor in the eyes of the people whose side you was really fighting on, having no one but a portrait – a mere echo of a person to confide in. He was so lonely.

Severus lifted his wand up and let a silver light come from it and then out came a Doe. He gazed at her as it wandered about the room. Oh how he missed her, Lily. His heart ached for the woman he loved. He had so many regrets in his life, and none he regretted more than hurting her which had ended their friendship for good. He regretted never telling her how much she really meant to him…he never had the chance really. The silvery doe eventually faded and he let his eyes close.

It had been a strangely quiet night with little activity from Longbottom and the other uprising of students. He took this now rare moment to rest his eyes. He wished deep down that they knew that he really wasn't the enemy, that he was going all he could from the inside to keep them and the other staff safe. He was secretly proud of brave and strong Longbottom has become, but also wished he would stop martyring himself. It was making his efforts to keep them safe increasingly difficult, not that he could ever tell him that. It killed him how he must keep these secrets deep inside to himself.

Severus soon fell into a restless sleep. He dreamt of his childhood of when he first met Lily and the times they played together as children before they started attending Hogwarts. To their Hogwarts years together and his torment from Potter and his friends. The downfall of his and Lily's friendship, watching Lily and Potter fall in love from afar and his joining of the Death Eaters. Eavesdropping on Dumbledore and Trelawney during her teaching interview and over hearing her prophecy depicting the potential fate of the Dark Lord.

" _The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches... Born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies..."_ Trelawney's voice echoed through the dream. Severus dreamed of telling the Dark Lord about what he had heard and how his heart sank and broke when he eventually learned it was Lily's son. Begging the Dark Lord to spare Lily's life, before secretly going to Dumbledore to warn him who the Dark Lord was targeting as he didn't trust him to truly spare her. How he vowed from then to be Dumbledore's. The horrible night where the Dark Lord found and killed the Potters and Harry miraculously surviving. Words could never describe how broken his heart was when he saw Lily laying there dead on the floor. He dreamed of the years of secretly watching and protecting Harry from the shadows and keeping up with his double agent facade when the Dark Lord returned. All the secret discussions and plans between Dumbledore and himself and the plan of him killing Dumbledore instead of Draco. The day he learnt Dumbledore's true plan and how he must find a way to tell Harry and make him believe that he has to die for the Dark Lord to be vanquished once all the other Horcruxes were destroyed. He hated the feeling that all his efforts to keep Harry safe were to go to waste and for nothing. It was his love for his mother kept him going, Dumbledore had been right, he had secretly grown fond of the boy but that was something he would never admit to anyone. Not even Dumbledore. Visions of not too long ago tracking Harry down, tossing the sword of Gryffindor in a nearby pond and luring him out of his hiding spot with his patronus. Watching Harry struggle and nearly drown but luckily saved by Ron before he lefdt. That was the first and last time he saw Harry with his own eyes since what happened at the Astronomy tower. He was secretly relieved to see that so far the boy was okay.

The dream faded away into nothingness as dawn approached, a light breeze rustled Severus' hair despite the fact there were no open doors or windows to let such a breeze through. Severus stirred slightly but didn't wake as a spirit of a young woman appeared beside him and brushing a little bit of hair behind his ear with her hand. She looked upon him with a kind smile.

"Lily… I'm so sorry..." Severus whispered softly in his sleep. The spirit of Lily sighed sadly.

"I know Sev, I know and I forgive you. I'm sorry too..." She whispered in reply. She leaned down giving Severus a light kiss on his forehead. "Thank you, for looking after my son all these years Severus. Thank you… my friend." she finished as she gently ran her hand down his cheek. Severus' face softened as he finally started to have the most peaceful sleep he's had in many years. Lily's spirit soon left with one last small smile.

Severus woke up that morning feeling the most rested that he'd felt in a long time despite having fallen asleep in an armchair. He looked into the fireplace where the fire had long died out, noticing he felt as if a large weight from his heart had been lifted. He raised his hand to the cheek Lily had brushed her hand against and a single tear of his fell.

He got up and went to his desk and began writing two letters, one for Minerva and the other to Harry. Severus poured everything, all his secrets into the letter to Harry and even apologized for having been so hard on him all these years and why. The one for Minerva, he did similar with the exception of leaving out the parts where Lily was concerned. He explained he had always been on their side and that everything he had done was on Dumbledore's orders and requested that she give Harry the letter he wrote for him. He placed Harry's letter in an envelope and magically sealed it so only Harry could open and read it. He then placed Harry's with the letter for Minerva in another envelope again making it so only she could open and read it. He hid them behind Dumbledore's portrait who had been watching him the whole time quietly. Severus asked the Portrait to only reveal the location of the letters should he died, especially if he was unsuccessful in telling Harry what he needed to. The Portrait silently agreed. Severus had chosen Minerva because he had a feeling and no doubts that she would make it through this war, while he on the other hand wasn't so sure if he would.

He had been right… not a couple days later and the final battle had begun, he was facing his final moments. He laid there against the wall of the shack bleeding from Nagini's attack feeling like he had failed as up to that point he hadn't tracked down Harry to give him Dumbledore's final message. It was to his surprise that the boy walked over to him and knelt down beside him covering the wound on his neck with his hand trying to slow the bleeding. Severus grabbed the front of Harry's robes as he focused all his deepest secrets about his friendship and love of Lily and where his true loyalty has laid, all into into tears that ran down his face.

"Take... them..." he barely managed to say. Hermione handed Harry a flask did what Severus had asked him to without question filling the flask with Severus' memories.

"Look… At… Me..." Severus whispered making green eyes met black. "You have... your mother's eyes" was the last thing he managed to say as he closed his eyes, the pain fading away as he drifted into the unknown.

When he opened them again, he was at the park where he and Lily had first met only it was a little different. He looked at his hands while he was still an adult, the years had seemed to melted away from them. As if the stress from the war never happened. It was then that he heard her behind him.

"Hey Sev." Lily said happily with a little sadness behind it. Severus spun around and there sitting on the swing was an adult Lily smiling at him. He suddenly realized where he truly was as tears began to run down his cheeks as Lily walked over to him and gently put her arms around him, holding him close and lovingly. Severus placed his forehead on her shoulder and just wept a mixture of all the emotions he had held deep inside all these long years. "Welcome home." Lily gently and soothingly rubbing her hand on his back letting him cry on her shoulder till was able to stop and look at her again.

The spirits of James, Sirius, Remus, Tonks, Dumbledore and other Order members who had fallen recently and in the final battle. Standing a few feet behind Lily smiling at him kindly. James was the first to speak.

"I am sorry Severus, for everything. I owe you a great debt that I will never be able to replay for everything you have done and sacrificed for my son. I know it wasn't for me you did it for, but I thank you all the same. I am really sorry for how I treated you when we were kids." He finished with a genuine remorseful expression on his face.

"Truly sorry, for having ever doubted you Severus. We all owe you a great debt." Remus spoke calmly with a gentle smile.

"I am very sorry as well Severus. I don't expect you to forgive me but I wanted you to know I am sorry." Sirius said seriously then giving him an impish grin and rubbed the back of his head with his hand awkwardly.

Severus looked at them all stunned and quiet, he didn't know what to think or what quite to say or even do. So he just sighed and looked up towards the sky finally feeling free from all the pain he felt for the first time in his life he felt free. It was then that a gentle hand was placed on his shoulder and he noticed Dumbledore had walked over to him.

"You did an amazing job my boy. I am sorry you had to endure carry so much on your own. Just so you know, Harry is alive and well. Lord Voldemort has been defeated and at Harry's hand. None of this could have happened if it weren't for you." Dumbledore told Severus. Severus looked at him stunned and for the first time in years gave a genuine smile. He then looked at Lily who was now holding his hand.

"Let's all go together." Lily said with a gentle smile.

"Okay." Severus said quietly as Lily gently guided Severus to the others and he went willingly. Together they all walked into the light. Severus Snape was finally at peace.

The End.

Notes: I had this floating around in my head for a while now and figured now would be the best time to finally write it and post it. Severus Snape is one of my favorite characters in the Harry Potter series. While I wish he could have lived to see the peace he worked so hard and scarified so much to help bring about, I am also happy he finally found some peace and that his fight is over.

Thank you for reading.

Happy Birthday Severus Snape.

January 9th 1960 - May 2nd 1998

Forever in our Hearts - Alan Rickman  
February 21st 1946 - January 14th 2016


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